Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.